Of Sad Demons and Cruel Angels

Comments: 224

If you would have told me 10 years ago that one day I’d be singing symphonic metal for a living, I would have said you were crazy.

But here we are – our music plays on the radio halfway around the world from where we live, we’ve done several tours, and we were featured in magazines next to legends like Within Temptation, Nightwish and Children of Bodom.

So what happened between then and now to transform our lives so completely? In truth, this band literally saved my life.

But I’m not here to talk about myself – this story involves you too! You’ll see what I mean ❤️

Imagine being so emotionally numb, so unable to feel, that part of you doubts you’re real at all. You feel like a ghost. Your perception of yourself and the world around you is so dulled, you’d swear your day-to-day life is a dream that you won’t be able to remember upon waking. You aren’t you, you’re just a disembodied spirit observing someone who happens to look like you.

That describes something I spent years struggling with – a very rare mental disorder called Depersonalization. Your brain chemistry gets screwed up and you stop being able to feel your emotions at all.

I first noticed this occurring when I was in the hospital, recovering after an incident where I was beaten half-to-death, raped, and left for dead. Even after all my injuries had healed and I was cleared to go home, I couldn’t feel. Everything felt fake, like a very convincing dream.

It left me in a really dark place. I drank heavily, I abused drugs, I cut myself for the endorphin high (cliche, I know, but it worked for a little while), and I fantasized almost hourly about swallowing my entire medicine cabinet. I wasn’t even sad – I couldn’t feel anything at all, and that was worse.

Kevin, pictured above on the left, was my best friend, and after I finally opened up to him about how badly I was doing, he told me all about how he and his childhood friend Chris (on the right) had been playing guitar together as a kind of therapy to help with depression. And having said that, he basically insisted that I try singing with them.

And it worked!

Singing opera actually uses the same part of the voice as crying, and it felt similar enough that I could process my sadness. And I could tap into all the anger I was numb to by learning to scream and growl.

Suddenly they finally had a singer for their band, and it was something I needed to do in order to be happy. So we threw ourselves into making music, even before we had the proper tools.

This was our first “studio” – a horrible makeshift vocal booth in my bedroom. We broke the doors off my closet, stood them up by taping an old microwave to the outside, filled the closet with clothes, and glued heavy blankets to the insides of the doors.

It was ridiculous, but we just wanted to start making music, despite not having the money to create a more professional setup.

We just started writing and releasing music, going back and upgrading the quality every so often as we got newer and better equipment, or improved as musicians. We recorded something every day, without exception, because like I said, it was a legitimate emotional need at this point. We were all feeling a little better ever day!

In 2017, a performance video of our song Limits of Myself went semi-viral on Facebook, and we ended up gaining like 8000 fans in the span of a couple weeks.

From there, things started to snowball out of control. By the time we released our sophomore album, we were basically able to make music full-time because of how large and supportive our Facebook/Instagram fanbase was!

I’m not just me of course, we’ve all had our struggles – Chris was homeless and lived on the streets, Kevin and Louisa (our bassist, pictured above) nearly died from autoimmune diseases that got out of control – and all of us credit this band for helping us through our hard times.

It’s an amazing thing, a sort of glue that binds Mute Prophet together despite our separate life experiences, this goal of turning tragedy and pain into something triumphant. Ultimately this band is something that literally saved my life, giving me an outlet to transmute things I would otherwise never have been able to overcome, into something amazing.

And we’ve even been able to find an audience – including YOU. Musicians have no other way to judge their impact on the world, other than how listeners receive their music and their story. You show all of us that we aren’t alone, and after everything that’s happened, I don’t think words can convey how much it means to be able to connect with people like you now.

I said this involves you, and it does – because you, as a listener, make all the struggles we endured worthwhile. And here’s to hoping that you’re a part of this crazy journey from now on!

So please, leave a comment below or email me and let me know how you feel about this post, or even just to say hi. It would mean a lot.

Thank you again for reading, and please do leave a comment below or shoot me an email if you feel like saying hi ❤️


  • William Marsh says:

    Wow, You’ve been through a lot. Your music is awesome and singing is fantastic. I’m glad that music helped you through that tough time. Keep on rockin!

  • John Lehrfeld says:

    Mental illness n addiction runs deep with me.
    I’ve been stable for awhile. Clean n Sober since Aug. 8th 2019.
    Got a great dynamite girlfriend. I go to n.a. Mtg’s daily. Listen to copious amounts of METAL music. And ultimately get another day clean n sober.
    Please! Keep doing what your doing Keep moving forward and Stay in your lane.

    Have a great day and ttys

  • Norman Carlisle says:

    Sorry about all you’ve had to endure, But know this. Hold your head high because all you’ve endured has made you stronger. Just remember to look out for number 1. Music has always have a special place for me and has gotten me thru some bad times. I enjoy what you guys are doing and thank you for all you do. So take care….

  • Greg says:

    Adrienne, I’m happy you are strong enough to share your past but also sad that it happened. I personally know people with ptsd and especially due to abuse and most of them are in the place you were. Unfortunately they don’t have any musical talent so I hope they can find the strength to change things. Anyway, thanks again for sharing your story and your beautiful voice and looks. I hope it helps you and others cope. 💋❤️❤️❤️❤️

  • Lawrence "LEGION" Salazar says:

    Well My lovely Queen, I’m sorry to hear about your ordeal & the other members as well! I throw my🤘in the air for Mute Profit ! Your music speaks to me in more way that U think! Having just hear your music! Makes me live my life new every day!! I enjoyed it and U are very, very Attractive and your voice Dark & Mistress is what I LUV! I hope to catch y’all on the road soon! My NAME IS “LEGION” & now you have a Soldier for your ARMY!! Let the Metal Roar!! Luv U! Keep up the awesome Metal!🤘🤘🦇🎤🎸🎼🦇🤘🤘

  • Erik butryn says:

    I thank God that you are still upright and walking this planet and thru your courage and strength you got hold of your emotional scars and were able to process them in to your song !
    I want to thank you for putting yourself out there and I bet one of your fans went thru some similar events and after reading your story is still alive today ! Remember Adrienne you ARE A PRODUCT OF YOUR PAST BUT YOU ARE NOT A PRISONER OF IT! YOU ARE A WARRIOR !!

  • Bhakta David Nollmeyer says:

    The most important thing is that you are worth more alive than dead. I liked your tunes. Very heroic sounding. I am going to try that the next time I compose!

  • Chris Roberts says:

    Adrienne I want to thank you for sharing your story. It’s so inspiring to hear what you want through and to come out of it a better person. I too have used my music to heal some of the scars in my life. And I love your band and your vocals are just beautiful.

  • jay utterback says:

    Adrienne, It was extremely difficult. To read everything that you’ve been through I think it has expired you. To make incredible music I do hope. That if you have not already. That you find someone Who can help you through? All the pain and struggles that you have you seem to be. A very strong and resilient woman May God bless you and your life.

    • Adrienne Odenthal says:

      Thank you so much Jay ❤️ As far as someone who can help me through it, I definitely think my band and the music has become that for me, which is why it means so much to be able to share it. Thank you so much for reading, and for listening ❤️

  • Michael Silpoch says:

    It’s broken my heart to read what you been through, but I love the straight you got to push forward with the help of your band mates.to me you are a very beautiful woman inside and out,strong and determined to push on word.it had to take a lot to pour your heart and soul to tell us what you been through,,,, I have this feeling that you and your band are going to make it,,, I love what I heard it’s awesome,,,, keep it up and never stop

    • Adrienne Odenthal says:

      Thank you Michael! That means so much to me ❤️ I really appreciate you leaving such a sweet comment, and for checking out the music 🙂

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